Have I been so down on luck lately?
Maybe I'm just allowing myself to dwell into everything negative.
Friends, family...but am I too nice to be taken advantage of?
And not having anyone to stand up for me?

I think I am getting a fever soon. Please dun let it happen to me, not when school is starting soon.

Tell me I'm the dumbest person to be sitting down here doing up the Valentine's Day gift for you but yet being punished by your harsh words. Tears streaming down my face.... why are you so hard to me? Can't you see even when I'm mad, I will always be soft to you, quickly and eventually?

No, you can't see that.

I've been thinking a lot lately... like a lot. Some days, I feel sad. Some days, secretly glad. I'm sad when she doesn't love me the way I wish she would (to take me more seriously at times). Sad because she always make fun of me, it's not funny and yet I have to let it be because I think this is her way of loving me. Sad because my relationship with my mum has been very strained (for the past few years) and recently. Sad because when people (friends) said nasty things to me. Sad because of the dreams I have at night. Secretly glad because when put in an unfavourable position, I will think of nice things people/family/she would do for me. Glad when she would cut my food into pieces for me, always giving me some of her share, helping me to wear my sweater etc. Glad for moments when she is more serious and tells me I belong to her or when she loves me and never want to lose me. I sound totally like a hopeless girl hoping to live in a fantasy right now. I dunno if this is a form of consolation for me. And I know this sounds contradictory with what I said earlier on.

R has been contacting me recently, especially since she is or has head back to Singapore. I wouldn't mind meeting her - as a friend- though we have some sort of complication before. I am just afraid somehow feelings might be rekindled, her towards me. And I who don't know how to reject people well enough, might just mess things up. Anyway, I think I will be meeting her up.... don't like to burn bridges, just to maintain the friendship.

Also wondering if I should tell her... afraid and knowing that she ight be crazy and push me to others (yet again...) Being pushed to others, by her, whether jokingly or not, always makes me sad. But does she know how I feel or would she treat it like a joke for her or for us?

A call from her, just in time to soothe me a little. Sometimes, no, most times, she is easily jealous and gets overly possessive. I guess I like it when she is possessive (and jealous) yet trust me with whoever I am with at that moment.
This post feels messy because I am feeling and thinking strangely and a lot, lately.

I have been told that I've lost some weight lately. Secretly, I am glad. Difference? Dun feel or see any changes though. Positive reinforcement could sometimes lead to drastic measures. If you get what I mean....

I never knew I could feel so much pain, and yet be so in love with the person causing it.

Things got a little bit better at work. Thank god for the holidays. I just need to stay away from work and the principal for awhile in order for me to re charge and be ok with everything again.

So I am hurt that you gave up so easily on me/us. I know I might sound like I wanted this to end for the better of us but you didn't try to fight for us much. Words is cheap. Fuck all the things that you said to me. I tried to make you see how much I am willing to do for you, at your beck and call...but would you do the same for me? Looks like not.

But you know what, I miss you terribly. I dun have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

I wish I am a stronger person and would get over things quickly... But I just feel so much pain to know that we won't be seeing each another anymore. So much pain.

Motivation, zero.
I have no more heart for my current job and have been very much delayed of the new job I have been waiting for. Last week, I was told I was given 80% chance for the new job and now, it feels like I am left with 20% chance. Why make promises when you can't fulfill them? Thursday till now...is this a sign of rejection? So why can't I get rejected straight? I will know perhaps, for the final time later. I cross my fingers, please, to whoever up there, please let me leave my current place and join the new school.

Sunday.

Sunday afternoon.
Thoughts running all over my head.
Girls.
Money.
Job (I wish I could take this fucking issue out of my head).
Another girl drama or soon to be drama. Must stop leading others on.
Love.
Desire.
Jealousy.
Envy.

Nothing is permanent. Especially people. Don't have your hopes high, friends become strangers, lovers become friends. And people leave.

I need to get back to training.

I can't imagine there is such an evil parent and child alive out to get me the whole of this year. Once again, threatening to report me and a fellow teacher to MOE, even asking for our full names. Seriously, why are you so wicked? Why try to sow discord between other children/parents and me? Why try to brainwash others? Best part, there is no protection against us. Useless principal, I finally see.... In pre-schools cases, the principal usually shield the teachers and block away the parents but this principal of ours....is scared shitless. No form of comfort, no form of defence. Perhaps, it's time I leave this school. Hopefully, I would jump over to a new school after the interview on Thursday.

Perhaps, I need to force myself to get out of my comfort zone and face new challenges in a different place. Easier said than done, but I guess I got to do it.

Ever felt too alone? After this shit incident, I was lying on my bed from the whole afternoon to the next morning with a terrible migraine and when darkness falls, I felt so alone and scared suddenly. The silence and the darkness is eating me up. For once, I am afraid of the dark, wishing there was someone beside me. Will you walk together with me in times of hardship and obstacles? I guess this would be a good test to see how we stand when I am faced with a crisis...

This post is for you, once again...

Am I shocked? No. Am I worried? Very much so. If you were to ask me why, I can only say I just do not have a good feeling about this. Not that I do not trust men, I just do not trust married men. Look at this kind of situation, how many of them usually have a happy ending? One of them is surely to get hurt, especially if emotions are involved. Based on personal experience with taken and married men (though not intimately), an outsider will always be an outsider. He will not sacrifice the stability, security and love he has for an outsider, unless the outsider is able to give him more and better benefits but this will be a never ending road because there are always people who are better and thus, the needs is insatiable. Even if all the parties are open, jealousy, envy, love, like, lust, wanting will surely to occur and even more so on a deeper level as time goes by.

If one is single and just dating/seeing new people, fine by me. But when there is a status or something black and white to secure something so tightly, I just hope you would be careful. Yes, you might say never try, never know but at the same time, I do not want you to regret it and even if you might say you brought this upon yourself, the damage has been already done.

Just ask yourself this, what is it do you exactly want ultimately, for now? To be single, have fun and happy? No problem with that at all, just know what you're playing with and protect yourself. If you want to get settled down and still have fun, please have fun with a single.

Go with the flow, yes, but always think about what could have happen. Do you see any long term benefits or will there be a progression at the end of the road? (With regards to his case) I know for now I can't make you change your mind about the upcoming trip or about the r/s you have with him currently. I am just telling you what I feel of this matter. As much as I don't condone this "r/s", I will still be there for you and be at your back. Perhaps you might say I worry a little too much but this is me. Don't wish to see someone who holds a special place in my heart getting hurt (though not now) I guess...

P/S: Nobody reads this blog btw. It's that private, it's just my little own diary which is dying soon.

Till we meet again, stay happy. Miss ya :)

So once again, I'm sitting down bleeding. And I am all over the place. I looked back at my life. Childhood till adulthood. When was I truly happy and satisfied? Family, the core, is dysfunctional. Love life hasn't always be good, nothing quality about it. Friends, come and go, which is normal. And there is you, and there is work.

I dunno how come you can emotionally mindfuck me and make it seems like I'm at fault. I dunno how come you can treat me like shit. I dunno how come you get really pissed and upset when I was just being playful with you. I dunno how come you need to feel assured when all I am was being faithful to you. I dunno how come I can be so obliging and give in to you and not get back any of this in return when asked (which I dun even ask much) for. Is it so much to love me? I really dun think so.

It has been the whole day and I couldn't stop tearing, except when I'm asleep. And I believe nobody, and not even you can understand why this is happening. I dun wish to cry so much, I feel like a fucking baby but these tears just couldn't stop and I cannot help feeling so much pain in me. Look how much water I've wasted.

So, complaints after complaints from parents this year about me, even threatening me to MOE. And it's not fucking funny to land in
the situation with MOE. I feel endangered and really have to observe my every move. I decided to let go, and just eat the humble pie and go through this shit. K2 graduation concert, fuck you all. Stupid unreasonable parents who dun bloody appreciate my effort I've put in, so let chaos begin. No way I am going to handle K2 anymore. One and a half more month to go, and goodbye you fuckers.

With issues like this, I need time to heal again. I want to be able to walk away from you. I want to find that strength. But right now, I just feel so broken inside. And when I seek for you, you couldn't give me the support and love I was looking for.

I am not going through depression. But I do feel depressed.

This too, shall pass?