Over the weekends, my life was hell. Yet another small matter turned to major drama with my mum happened. Previously, I've this strange intuition for me to seek help. I am dealing badly with my ED. My health isn't good and I know I have a weak constitution. I remembered I couldn't stop crying on Friday night. As much as I dun see myself doing much wrong, I felt bad when my mum felt bad when she sees me crying and visibly upset. Fuck TV shows where they show you how a parent will reconcile with their children when they apologise. Things got worst. I felt suicidal, after so long. It hit me so strong that I felt I needed help that very minute.
Something drew me to Joyce (Joash's mum), knowing she has social working background and her husband is a counsellor. We met on a very early Sunday morning at 7am. Feels comfortable and for once, relaxed telling her everything. I am tired of hiding things or bits and pieces when I tell something new to someone, afraid they will judge and feeling shameful and embarassed about all these events. The death of my father and the cause of it, my family history and background, my social life, my ED etc. In a way, I feel comfortable telling her without having her to judge and knowing her past wasn't exactly a smooth one either. However, she mentioned one thing which didn't strike me previously. All the past events are the ones that develop an ED within me and how I perceive myself. Seemingly never good enough. I don't develop an ED just out of nowhere one day. It all adds up and until I learnt to deal with these events and how I perceive myself, the ED will never completely go away. She is also sharp enough to point out my orientation. She did strongly encouraged me to seek professional help with regards to my emotional/ED issues. I wish I could, if I've the money. I just hope, I could learn to deal with all these issues without the help of a professional. Perhaps just myself and with a few of my close and beloved ones.
My brother is sick. Suspected of dengue fever but not yet confirmed, waiting for blood analysis. I think he hasn't really been taking care of himself well, he was pretty sick for the past few months or so. I am worried.... I really hope he goes for a full body check up too. If I could afford it, I would. I have this fear, this terrible fear of losing my family members. What if my mum isn't there anymore? I think I will fall into depression. I remembered Joyce telling me "I can see you really love your mum a lot despite everything." And yes, I love her a lot, I might complain about her but I always tell myself and my baby not to hate her because she has gone through such a rough patch in life, it leaves scars on her. It is not a mater of what she should do at this point in life, but for me to cope with her behaviour. One would never be able to empathize what she has gone through unless we have been in her shoes. So, who are we to judge?
I need to stop worrying. Worrying makes me feels emotional, unsettled. I need to spend more time with my family members before it is too late.
I'm going to read the costly e-book baby Jolene send to me soon.
It has been 9 years since you left us abruptly. Happy birthday, papa.
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